Sometimes it can take awhile before we realize how much of ourselves we have given to our partners.

If we factor in how involved they are with their Family Hive; it can become overwhelming.

© Angela Westelaken 2019


It seems over time, we fall into these traps or hives; where we lose our identities as we immerse ourselves into a certain role.

How does that happen? We simply don’t give ourselves the love and attention we need. Or maybe we just aren’t meant to live in a fucking Hive?

If you are a “People-Pleaser” like I am along with being extremely sensitive, emotionally aware and passionate – it can easily become a problem. I need to People Please, not Partner Please.

The same goes for the metaphorical Hive where we worship a Queen (or King) or both. No one should be worshiping anyone. Typically we are taught to please our Parents, make our Families proud but for some; that means never flying outside the perimeter of your Hive.

Even when the Hive of our Familial People, Places and Things doesn’t feel right or good – we often feel like we have to honour them even if it means going against what feels right for us.

A “Holistic” approach can fair much better. I need to spread my love (especially to my children and myself) around in order to get it back and reciprocate.

Some Personality Types sense these qualities we possess and if they lack anything; they want it. They want to take it away or at least “share” it by seemingly getting behind or beside us. Then one may begin to overcompensate with how we give back because we think we need to “earn” the love back. Over time; this will wear anyone down and emotional fulfillment is never to be found.


READ: Pleasers and Controllers


However; if real unconditional love, acceptance and trust never evolves past surface level and you’ve already made big life choices like marriage, babies, etc. – you start to feel depressed and sad.

Everyone needs alone time. We all need self-care and time to recharge. No one is above you nor are their needs and wants. It should be equal and reciprocal.

You may not even realize it at first. Many will attribute depression to new Parenthood/Motherhood, boredom or stress but real clinical depression is actually one of the most commonly misdiagnosed conditions.

On the outside, I seemingly had it all together albeit a little worn down. The people closest to me however did notice I was not myself;


It is also one of the most highly medicated ones.

© Angela Westelaken 2019


Great people have explained Depression as the disease of “living in the past.”


I feel this translates into living with pain and trauma but it can also involve the feelings of wanting to feel that first “high” of love. When it felt like a bomb went off in your life and you easily took cover under the shield of your Partner. Nothing; no emotional stress or day-to-day minuteness could make an impact on that shield – your love was unshakeable.

No one should ever put more trust into another person than themselves.

Over time; lust naturally wanes and we fall into routines but love doesn’t just go away.


HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP “SHOULD NEVER’S“:

• Your partner should never make conditions on you nor should they hold Emotional Power over you by weaponizing your moments of weakness, pain or problems.

• Your partner shouldn’t start telling you that you should go to the Gym or get a “hobby” they approve of.

• Your partner should never cut down your appearance, weight or clothing.

• Your partner shouldn’t control every meal you eat or make comments about what food you choose.

• Your partner shouldn’t shame or retaliate on you (especially in front of the kids) for opposite parenting styles or reward/reinforcement decisions.

• Your partner should never share secrets or gossip about you to anyone – but especially not their friends, families or co-workers (or yours for that matter).

• Your partner should never join in on a Family Shame session. They should stick up for you; even if you aren’t exactly right. This can be done gracefully if you try.

• Your partner should never weaponize any Childhood, Teenage, Adult Trauma or fractured relationships with ANYONE.

• Your partner should never use Affection and Sex as a means of control. We often believe our most passionate sexual experiences come in the form of “Makeup Sex.” This is not correct.

• Your partner should never put you down in front of anyone but especially in front of your Children.

• Your partner should never make you feel guilty for needing more rest, self-care or alone time. If you reciprocate; so should they.

• Your partner should never try to diagnose you with ANY physical or mental health condition. They shouldn’t try to convince you either.

• Your partner should never have all the control of the Family finances. You both need to have an active hand in management and access.

• Your partner should never stop you from getting help for anything. They should be supportive in helping you make the time and effort.

• Your partner should never prioritize their Families, Friends, whomever above you and your children.

• Your partner should never impose double standards and unachievable expectations.

• Your partner should be able to communicate openly and not go silent in the middle. This is called Stonewalling. Not acknowledging or validating anything ever; is wrong.

• Your partner should never try to convince you of being “Paranoid, Depressed, Different, etc.” – this is called Gaslighting.

Your partner should not blame addictive behaviours as a reason for bad behaviour without acknowledging and validating the harm it has caused.


Love can be really cruel sometimes and it’s enough to make a good person go “Crazy.”

Love, intimacy and the relationship itself needs to be nurtured by both parties but this can be difficult if one was not raised in an accommodating environment.

We are all born with an innate capacity to love – it’s how we stay alive after all. We need to build these connections with our parents to Thrive and Survive. However if we are just given the basics of survival but no emotional trust and intimate connection – we can die as infants.


So what happens when we become adults and are subject to the same emotional abuse by people who have psychological power over us?

It seems there are a population of thinkers who idealize those with Mental Health concerns to being weak, morally inept or worthless. Thankfully – the opposing population is growing and we are now able to recognize inequality, emotional and psychological abuse in relationships. It’s one of the first topics most in-patient rehabs ask their patients about: “what’s your family situation like?”

So many of our most important relationships begin in childhood and cycle throughout our lives on replay. You may have noticed throughout life you typically choose the same type of friends. We like what feels familiar to us as it feels normal. If our parents treated you like shit, how can it not feel normal in your own marriage?

We have to do better and be better. It is important to recognize the signs and patterns of relationships that are not healthy. Not recognizing the red flags can lead to extreme emotional distress and of course; this traumatizes Children as they witness their parents falling apart.

We continue the cycle because we think it’s normal.

Let’s stop thinking this way and do better.

2 Comments on “Love Can Be Cruel

  1. Great analyses. I’d like to say that different cultural attributes and deep-rooted traditions in certain geographies make the things worse. Imagine, you need to count your relatives’ opinions and societal patterns into your already complex situation. You may lose your face and end up discrediting yourself in the eye of your society you belong to as soon as you fail to be a good spouse, and no one will dare to tie themselves with you any more.
    I also read the article titled “Pleasers and Controllers.” No doubt, the authour hit the right points with solid statements. Yet, there is one point that I cannot agree. The authour says that “… love is not a feeling; it’s a decision. ” I would rather claim that love is both a feeling and decision combined in one unit. In my young ages, I loved someone platonically, and never made a step toward her as I was firmly convinced that she was unreachable for me in many ways. So this remained a feeling, which I never regret. Marrying someone whom I didn’t love also happened in my life, and this was a decision for what I will always regret.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I agree with all of the above. When we shame our Partner and they are ego-driven; quite frankly they can destroy you. Especially if you are feeling emotionally vulnerable. We often mistake comfort and security as love because we chased those feelings as children. It’s a sad state of affairs when we consider how desperate children are these days for their parents attention. Love is most definitely a feeling but also a decision on how you want to disperse it. If you want to focus all of your capacity to love on yourself – we know Narcissism can arise.

      Like

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