Today I am releasing 29 years of pain. For the first time in 29 years, I didn’t weep at his grave like a baby or fall to my knees in despair.
When I was a child, my mother would constantly tell us that she didn’t believe my Dad was there so she didn’t like going to the Grave. We never took care of it as a Family (we grew Weed together, but did not tend to a loved ones plot; go figure) but I started to go on my own once I began to drive.
My Oma is 96 cannot drive so she can no longer tend to it so today; my 4 Aunts and I along with my 3 daughters took her. My Aunts lovingly took care of my girls and included them every step of the way.
Today I was given a gift: the realization that I may have lost my Dad but I always had his sisters. It was not easy for them when he died; few of them were actually working at the hospital when he was brought in DOA.
He had died instantly. He was 37 years old and had been suffering for almost a year from severe Depression and Anxiety. He left behind my brothers and I who were 7, 5 and 2.
The year I turn 37 on 2021; I’ll have a 7, 5 and 2 year old.
My Dad and I had almost everything in common: our strong work ethic, dedication to our Family and how that always seemed to clash or never be enough. It was hard to put into words before I went to Treatment last Summer exactly what I had been experiencing these last few years. It was like a impenetrable fog that wouldn’t lift.
Nothing was ever good enough and I suffered in silence for 5 out of the 7 years I abused Opiates off and on for until the final, bitter 2 years when everyone knew. It wouldn’t be until April 2018 that everyone seemed to care and do something but by then I had almost lost everything.
Right now as I navigate the end of my marriage and subsequent Court battle that was recently launched against me – I am still grateful every day I wake up.
428 days ago, I was a literal Prescription Pill Junkie. I could not stop using Opiates despite being pregnant and suicidal. I was a slave to it after fighting the battle for almost 7 years.
To be freed from this, is incredible and nothing could ever compare to the deadness I felt inside during this time.
Last Summer, My own Mother was telling me she knew my Husband did not love me any more. She told me this a few times and it was always from a place of anger, frustration and disgust. It was my fault in her eyes that I was losing the Battle of Addiction and I deserved most of the consequences.
I felt the Universe gave me just enough love from him between June 24, 2018 and January 2019 before it became obvious she was right.
He was seemingly plotting along with his family and my Mother to make it seem I was worse in Recovery than I was as a User. In the eyes of my Husband and his Family; I am not deserving of making decisions or having custody of my children because of Cannabis, Addiction and to end my marriage.
It was just enough time to have a baby, build up some strength and for me to begin thinking about my future. However, I could not stop processing the past and it became obvious my Dad’s death was not in vain. There was a lesson to be learned, a cycle to be broken.
It was too teach me that life is too short and I was on a dire path. Money; which had NEVER been my real life “Currency” was all I could think about because I felt I had to make amends for not working and for the cost of my Addiction. In December 2018, I had been willing to commit the final act of Addiction which is Demoralization: eventual Bankruptcy, Benefits, etc. but my Father’s soul inside me luckily stopped me from doing that.
Why would I even consider that when I had worked from age 15 and had so much left in me to give? Insanity, people-pleasing possibly? No – I was just reacting to how worthless and traumatized I still felt. I felt I deserved demoralizing myself further to makeup to others what I had done. I almost did it to win back the people who by now; were using my Mental Health issues on a regular basis to further their Agenda.
I woke up from a dream one night in which I had the answer – finally as to what had been keeping me up at night for as long as I can remember. How did he die? How did it happen? What was he thinking?
His Death had been investigated for suicide for a few months when it happened. It was devastating to find this out at 34 years old however, it was something I had always suspected. I knew my Dad had been severely depressed and hadn’t been sleeping.
I also knew there had been serious Marital problems and my Dad was close to burning out from stress.
Something had sent him over the edge in the last 24 hours before he had died. He drove his Work Truck into a Concrete Guardrail during Morning rush hour traffic. No one else was involved. No one seemed to see what had exactly happened.
I’ve felt that pain and hopelessness. Where you have literally drained yourself dry from all of your own bullshit but also because the emotional and psychological traumas we experience to create our Human Condition. If I hadn’t surrendered, become sober, found myself and get out of my situation – I would have surely succumbed and my girls would not have a Mother.
By April of this year, I had finally broken my way out and asked for a Separation. Everything continued to happen as it always had only now I was finally clean and clear-headed from Opiates. My Ambition, Motivation and Drive was back and everyone who has every known me is happy to have their friend back. It was happening as it should and my foray into Addiction Activism and the Cannabis Community have helped saved my life.
It was the people who rallied behind and beside me to help me walk this mile. They are still by my side and I am so grateful. Almost everyone I associate is aware of my Addiction Recovery. Brutal honesty has always seemed to serve me well in the past. I lost sight of that trait as an Addict. I went against every fibre in my being to become to total opposite of who I wanted to be.
Now that I have been on the other side for almost a year and a half – there is a small group trying to remind me of all the horrible things I’ve done, the harm and trauma I’ve caused my kids and obviously – taking every thing from me as a punishment because I refuse to go back to the way things were/are.
The Cycle of Addiction involves People, Places and Things. If you go back to what caused you to become so depressed, anxious in the first place which caused the need the Medicate – you will never claw your way out. You will either go back to using or run like Hell.
The point of all this is that people literally need Love to function. We need love, nurture, compassion, understanding, validation, etc. It’s not easy to get believe me and so over time, it can become even harder to give.
If you do not love someone, you let them go. You do not try to destroy them. Especially if they have tried to make every effort possible to change.
I have no challenges giving these emotions fully to my Daughters and to my friends, some Family but it’s actually really hard for me to fall in love with someone and have a relationship. I have an unusual attachment style and I am considered an “Avoidant Attacher“.
I’ll probably never have one again after getting Divorced but ultimately – I am staying within the “Traditional” opinion on Relationships in Recovery which is usually a big “Nope” for years. It’s also a big NO when you have 3 kids so really – I am looking at a long future of self-love, self-care.
I have surrounded myself with amazing Women from my Community; along with my Maternal and 4 Paternal Aunts to assist me through this Journey. Without their love and support; I could have very well relapsed back to Opiates by now.
I’ll be writing more on various topics to do with Separation & Divorce in Recovery soon but I will not be talking shit. That does not help anyone. It is important to tell our stories but in a progressive way.
There is no progress without pain.